#5 Why expat couples face more problems than other couples and how to deal with them

How much impact does moving abroad puts on the relationship for many couples after they move abroad. What changes and why? 
In today's episode, I am exploring the ups and downs of moving abroad as a couple how the move impacts the dynamic between the partners. 

Many couples that I had the chance to talk to saw the move as stressful and they noticed started more fights and misunderstandings and some of them even decided to move back home in under one year since the moment they arrived. In other cases, the move and its implications was so heavy that some even got a divorce. 

When couples move abroad, a great deal of attention is focussed upon the practicalities of moving overseas and settling in. 

So what are the extra strains that moving abroad puts on a relationship? Listen to today's episode as I am going through them, one by one. 

Hopefully, this will help you overcome them by detailing some practical tools and insights. 

‘Happy Life Abroad’ is a podcast about the expat lifestyle seen from the expat partner's perspective. 

The purpose of the show is to shine some light on what it means to be an expat spouse, but also to share with you some practical tools to help you to adjust to a new country and their culture, face the daily struggles in each stage of the moving abroad process, but also to breed healthier relationship while living abroad. 

Michael Hochberg’s contact details - highmountainproducts@hushmail.com

Transcript

Intro 

Hello everyone and welcome to the Happy Life Abroad Podcast. I am Michael, your host, and I am excited to start the 6th episode of our show. 

‘Happy Life Abroad’ is a podcast about the expat lifestyle seen from the expat partner's perspective.

The purpose of the show is to shine some light on what it means to be an expat spouse, but also to share with you some practical tools to help you to adjust to a new country and their culture, face the daily struggles in each stage of the moving abroad process, but also to breed healthier relationship while living abroad. 

Today I wanted to bring up a subject that many couples face after they move abroad, and that is how much impact does moving abroad put on the relationship itself. What changes and why? Many couples that I had the chance to talk to saw the move as stressful, they started to have more fights and misunderstandings and some even decided to move back home in under one year since the moment they arrived. 

And, yes, I do agree with it and I know from personal experience that uprooting your life, leaving your job, or changing your location will, understandably, impact your relationship. Most couples find that moving to a new country is both exciting and occasionally stressful, but not even a common cultural background cannot insulate partners from the difficulties they are bound to encounter abroad. 

Expat relationships are more challenging than having a relationship in your native city. When couples move abroad, a great deal of attention is focussed upon the practicalities of moving overseas and settling in. 

So what are the extra strains that moving abroad puts on a relationship? I tried to make a list of them,  to help you overcome them by detailing some practical tools and insights. 

A major change like moving abroad together introduces new stressors such as:

1. culture shock for the whole family – i.e. suddenly not being able to understand not only the language but all the subtle signals in the environment about the way things are done.
2. separation from one’s familiar support system – extended family, friends, community activities etc.
3. for the employed spouse, the corporate culture shock associated with having to adjust to French or European business practices which may bewilder, and frustrate  
4. for the accompanying spouse, 90% of whom are women, the necessity of structuring a whole new life for him or herself. This is often particularly distressing if that spouse has given up a job or career to make the move possible, and becomes financially dependent on the partner

However, it is crucial that you take into consideration your personal relationships and work hard to counter any negative impacts that moving abroad can have. It is important that you work together through the entire process otherwise you could start to drift apart and arguments will no doubt occur. If you are completely honest with each other about all of your feelings throughout, you are far less likely to find yourself in the middle of a relationship crisis. Remember that it is natural to be scared and apprehensive about moving your life to a new country, but getting through it together will make everything much easier.

The following will help both you and your spouse to stay strong throughout the whole move:

1. The best expat relationships involve strong and open communication between both

partners. If you are moving for a job, make sure your partner is fully aware of all contractual obligations as well as the package you will be receiving, job role and expected duration of the contract. Involve them in selecting benefits (where applicable) and in defining your strategy when negotiating your contract. Use every resource on offer for your move. Accept all help and advice as this will make everything so much easier for both of you. Your moving company will be able to help with the packing and may also be able to provide practical assistance to help you settle into your new life. Friends and family will also be on standby to help with anything that may need it.

2. Expat relationships depend upon mutual help and support. If your partner is giving up a career to move with you, look into the possibility of them finding suitable work in your host country. 

Actively help your partner to research potential job opportunities and help them to establish methods of acquiring the relevant work permit or working visa. If working will not be possible, encourage them to consider other alternatives, such as studying or starting their own business. Put as many plans in place as you can before you arrive so that you are both immediately occupied with things to do. This will help you both to settle in and will help to avoid homesickness.

3. If your partner plans on staying at home, research the expat community and see what

is available for stay-at-home partners. In most cities around the world, there is usually an excellent social network for the trailing spouse (though this is normally aimed at wives). Each Expat Info Desk international relocation guide contains comprehensive information about groups, forums and clubs that expat wives, husbands and partners can join in order to meet people and create social networks.

4. Always talk through all of your problems and encourage the rest of your family to do the same

Remember that your partner is also your friend. Support each other and try and make light of even the most stressful situations. Never forget your sense of humor.

• When you are both feeling particularly stressed, do something, you both love. By enjoying yourself, you will forget the daily stresses that you have been through.
• Learn a new skill and use this time to focus on something other than stress.

There are many opportunities when you live abroad. Make the most of these opportunities and do things that you never would have had the chance to do in your home country.

• Network with expatriate clubs and other expatriates. They will become your newfriends and can offer you both support when you need it. 
• Ultimately, in order for expat relationships to stay strong, you both need to listen to each other and talk your problems through. Support each other during the hardest times and make sure you take time out to enjoy each other's company and have fun.

Outro 

That would be all for today, I hope you found out at least one helpful takeaway that will help you consider making some changes in your life. And remember that knowing how to resolve one thing it's not enough to fix it. We also need to take action.

If you feel like you need some extra support with your relationship or marriage whilst currently living in a new host country, send me an email and we can take it from there. For more details, you can visit our website, highmountainproducts.com, contact me through the form or email. 

Thanks for joining us this week on Happy Life Abroad podcast and we'll be back in two weeks again. 

 Until next time, stay safe. Bye!